Memories
by Lily and Shadow
Summary: Ed has died and Roy is trying to cope with the loss with the help of Hawkeye, who is determined to save him from himself. RoyxEd, onesided RizaxRoy, character death, Sequal to Faded. Will be rewritten.
1. Chapter 1: Memories

**Part 1: Forgiven**

Colonel Roy Mustang knelt briefly before the grave to place a flower at the base of the headstone and trace the name with a gloved hand. Maes Hughes. There were already two lilies there, meaning that Gracia had come by earlier with Elyshia. Slowly Roy rose, tucking his hands into the pockets of his uniform which still bore the black funeral sash he had attached to it that morning. In a broken voice he began to speak, his hoarse words shattering the thick, eerie silence.

"Hey, Maes. It's Roy. Yeah. I'm back. I just wanted to talk. I had to bury another friend this morning. More than a friend. Ed's gone, Maes. Edward is dead.

"It was Hawkeye who found him. Well, Al really, but he was still hovering over his brother's body, frozen in silence when Riza got there. His arm. He transmuted his automail arm and slit his throat. Damn near severed his head."

Mustang paused for a moment, trying to clear the tears from his throat. He pulled a small, brown envelope from his uniform pocket, turning it over several times, studying it with distressed concentration before he continued to speak.

"There was a note in the pocket of his coat. That long, red one with his teacher's insignia that he always wore. We buried him in that coat. Al asked for that. He said his brother never wore his uniform, so why bury him in it. Even if he was a soldier. Al said it would just be throwing it in his face that he was a dog of the military. He wanted Ed buried in his own clothes, and we obliged. The only difference was his gloves. I replaced his with my favorite spark-cloth pair.

"Hawkeye – Riza – brought me the note when she came to tell me he was gone. I just stared at it for… must've been nearly an hour, before I read it, just waiting for the news to sink in. But that didn't happen until I read the letter."

Mustang removed the letter from its envelope and began to read it aloud to his friend.

"Roy,

By the time you read this I will be gone. I know it may be difficult for you to understand, but I cannot stay here. The sins I carry are too heavy, the scars they leave too deep. There is no longer a place for me among the living. I should have died for my sins a long time ago. It was not an easy decision for me to come to and I know it will not be an easy decision for you to accept, but I feel that this is all that remains for me. Please take care of Alphonse for me. Remember I love you, Roy. I always have. Goodbye. Thank you for making my life worth being her for.

With eternal love,

Edward Elric"

Roy's voice broke and hot tears flooded down his face as he shouted up at the heavens. "Damnit Ed! How could you? How could you leave me alone like this? What were you thinking? What was in your head when you wrote that?" His voice began to crack and fade. "What were you thinking when you transmuted your arm? As you pressed the blade to your throat?"

Finally his voice was no more than a cracked and broken whisper. "What were you thinking? Why didn't you come to me? I loved you. But now… now you're… gone….

"You knew, Maes, didn't you? I never told you, but I didn't have to. You knew. I never had to tell you anything. You always knew before I told you. There's no way you didn't know. That I was in love with Edward. He never told me he felt the same until after you were….

"I miss you, Maes. You know, I still sit in my office sometimes and wait for you to call to tell me some pointless story about your daughter. As angry as I always seemed, you never failed to make me smile. But now… Now you're gone… and Edward… is gone…. Maes, who do I live for? When you were here I lived for you. After you were gone I gave my life to Edward. But now…."

Words failed the colonel and he dropped to his knees, reaching out to touch the cold marble of the tombstone. He was still kneeling when Riza Hawkeye came to find him. Gently she took his elbow and pulled him to his feet. She led him back to the waiting car and drove him home, but he objected.

"Take me to HQ. I can't go home right now. I don't think I could stand it," Roy choked without lifting his head.

Hawkeye nodded and headed for headquarters. She was concerned for her superior, but she obeyed. Once Mustang had settled himself behind his desk he dismissed her, leaving her to worry.

When he had listened to the click of the door latch and the sound of his lieutenant's footsteps fading along the corridor he opened the bottom drawer of his desk. He took out a nondescript tinted glass bottle and two glasses, filling them both. He set one glass opposite himself on the desk and took the other in his hands. It was something he and Hughes used to do during hard times; just retreat to Mustang's office for a drink and discuss what was going on. But now Hughes was gone. In silence Mustang emptied his glass and refilled it, staring all the while at Hughes' glass, untouched on the far side of the desk. He broke the silence with a mournful sigh and refilled his glass again.

Soon two hours had passed. Mustang had finished over three-quarters of the bottle and could hardly lift his head from the desk. Still he stared at Hughes' untouched glass. Suddenly something caught his eye. Hughes stood opposite him, smiling and waving. His hand rested on the shoulder of a short, golden-eyed boy with long blond hair. Ed. Mustang raised his head dazedly, but as soon as he blinked the two figures vanished. In anguish Roy cried out and let his head fall back onto the desk, watching as everything faded to black.

**A/N: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist**


	2. Chapter 2: Somewhere

When Roy woke he was lying in bed, where he did not know. He had no idea how he had gotten there and was in the middle of panicking when Hawkeye entered.

"Lieutenant?" Mustang said questioningly.

"Roy," Hawkeye caught herself. "Sorry, sir. Colonel Mustang. You're finally awake."

"How did I get here?" Mustang groaned. His Head was pounding and his vision flickered a bit.

The lieutenant looked down at her feet. "I found you unconscious at your desk last night and took the liberty of bringing you here, sir."

Mustang let a hand hang over the side of the bed. He started as he felt something cold and wet against it and glanced over to see Black Hayate watching him curiously.

"Sir," Hawkeye said. "Permission to speak?"

"Granted," Mustang sighed. "At ease, Hawkeye. We're not at work."

"Roy – Colonel," Hawkeye corrected herself. "You had a bottle of liquor in your hand when I found you. It was nearly empty. You didn't drink all of that, did you?"

Mustang stared down at the dog, unable to meet her gaze. Hawkeye dropped her head a little at this silent confirmation.

"Who was the other glass for?" she asked softly.

Mustang grunted and answer without looking up. "Hughes."

Riza's eyes took on a deeper shade of concern, almost pain, at this. She moved to sit next to Roy on the bed. Hesitantly she placed a hand to his forehead as though checking his temperature, then brushed his black hair away from his face.

"Colonel," she said gently. "You have to do better than this. I know you miss Hughes and I know right now you're grieving for Edward, but if you continue like this you'll die. To be honest I was scared last night when I found you that you had drunk yourself into shock. When I came in you were cold and I couldn't see you breathing. I was so afraid."

She bit her lip to stop the tears. She wanted to cry, but she tried to hide the pain for Roy's sake. She too was missing Edward and seeing Roy like this was almost more than she could bear. She cared deeply for him; perhaps more than a subordinate should for her superior.

Riza started as Roy placed a hand on her arm. He smiled weakly as he spoke to her. "I'll be alright, Riza. Just give me some time. Thank you for taking such good care of me. You know you didn't have to do that."

Hawkeye smiled a little for him, but the smile faded at his next remark.

"Perhaps I should be going," Mustang said wearily. "I'm alright now. Thank you, Hawkeye. For everything."

With that he rose unsteadily and walked to the doorway. Hawkeye complied unwillingly, bowing before she led him to the front door.


	3. Chapter 3: Frozen

When Mustang reached his house he went straight for the whisky bottle in the kitchen cabinet. His hangover headache was the least of his pains. Everywhere he looked he saw Ed. The boy's presence seemed to hang like a veil over the dwelling the two had shared. Determined to dull the ache, Mustang curled up on the sofa with the bottle – he couldn't bring himself to go into their bedroom – and drank himself to sleep.

When he finally showed up at headquarters at noon the next day Hawkeye was on him at once on a panicked frenzy.

"Colonel Mustang!" she shouted, bursting through the door of his office. She had come running as some as she had gotten word of his arrival. "Sir, I…."

She noted the colonel's face with unease. His eyes were dead. The lieutenant nearly drew back when he looked up at her, so frightening was the death-mask into which his expression had contorted itself. _Yes_, she thought. _That was the right word. Death-mask._ Never before had the lieutenant seen a living being with eyes quite like that. They were more than simply dead. They were empty, lifeless, hollow and hungry. It was as though the soul had departed, leaving the body to search for some way to cling to life.

"Sir, may I speak to you in earnest?" She knew he didn't mind if she wasn't always so proper, but she had been disciplined so thoroughly in military etiquette that formality was part of her nature.

"Of course," Roy murmured distractedly.

"Sir, I know it's only been two days since Edward's funeral," she began with genuine concern, "but you have to stop this. There's no point in lying. I know you were drinking again. I can smell it on you. If you go on like this you'll be dead before the end of the month."

The distant look in Roy's eyes told her that he was beyond reasoning. Inwardly she wished she knew how to help him.

_Let me save you, Roy. Just let me know what to do. How can I help you? Is there even any hope? What can I do when you're already so far gone?_

"Sorry, sir," she said quietly, hanging her head. "It's not my place."

With a sigh of worry tinged with frustration Hawkeye left Mustang's office. She had to find a way to help him, whether he wanted her to or not.

**A/N: I forgot to put this on the last two chapters. I do not own Fullmetal Achemist... I just wish I did.**

**A/N 2: the chapter titles come from songs. ch. 1 is memories by within temptation**


	4. Chapter 4: Our Farewell

Two months had passed since Edward's death and Mustang was following him quickly. He had begun coming to work drunk, then stopped coming to work at all. When he finally stopped showing up in public all together Havoc, Fury, and Armstrong talked Hawkeye into going to find him. At first she was reluctant, fearing him dead but not wanting to believe it. Finally she agreed, simply out of the need to know.

She couldn't believe she was standing at the door of the colonel's home, and not even in uniform. She tugged nervously at the sleeves of her blouse as she waited for an answer to her knocking. The bright sunlight on her back felt so wrong against the air of dread that surrounded her.

Much to her surprise the door swung open a crack to reveal a tired and sickly-looking Mustang. His unkempt mop of raven hair had gotten long, hanging down in front of his red-rimmed, bloodshot, charcoal eyes. Those eyes. Once they had been full of life. Riza remembered the laughter in them when Hughes would tell Mustang stories, the passionate affection they held when he gazed at Edward, and, more than anything, the loyalty and steady, even trust with which he had looked at her. But now there was nothing, not even a spark of recognition.

Mustang stared at her dazedly for a moment, as though trying to remember. Finally he was able to recall who she was. "Hawkeye?"

"Good afternoon, sir," she said with a bow. Hesitantly she decided to try her luck. "May I come in?"

Mustang nodded slowly and opened the door just wide enough for Hawkeye to get through. The state of the house was better than she had expected. Somehow the disheveled Mustang seemed out of place in this setting.

"What brings you here?' Mustang said. He still retained enough self-awareness to be courteous, even if his speech was slightly slurred.

It was then that realization hit Riza. Roy was sober. Or at least he wasn't drunk into a death-like stupor as he had been the last time she had seen him. His gait was steady, his speech coherent, his awareness vastly improved. Yet he seemed even closer to death than he had before. A calm resignation had replaced the drunken stupor and to Riza this was perhaps even more frightening.

He offered her a chair and she sat, watching as he settled himself across from her. All the while he studied her with those lifeless charcoal eyes.

"Why did you come?" he asked again, his once smooth voice now cracked and rasping.

"I was worried about you, sir," Hawkeye confessed.

"no need to be formal," Roy said. "And don't worry about me. It just makes everything more difficult."

"What do you mean?" Riza asked worriedly.

Roy just shook his shaggy head sadly and changed the subject. "How have things been at HQ?"

"Quiet. Especially now that we don't have you and Hughes and Edward to cause chaos. It's actually a little boring," Riza confessed. Roy smiled sadly and Riza wondered if she had been wrong to mention Hughes and Edward. Nevertheless she continued. "We all miss you. Fury, Havoc, even Armstrong. They've all been asking about you. Mustang, sir, may I be so bold as to ask you when you plan to return?"

Again Mustang shook his head so Hawkeye moved on. She noted that his uniform, which he still wore in spite of not having been to work in nearly a month, hung loosely on his emaciated frame. Dark patches ringed his bloodshot eyes. He was paler than usual and she could tell it hurt him to move.

"Have you been eating well?" she ventured.

Hesitantly Mustang shook his head.

"Have you been eating at all?"

Shrug.

"Sleeping?"

"Not much."

"Drinking?"

"Not as heavily."

"Well that's a relief at least."

Hawkeye rose and moved toward the kitchen. Mustang said nothing, merely watched as she began opening cabinets.

"You don't even have anything to eat around here. Mustang, I'm making you dinner tonight," Riza asserted. "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Satisfied with her goal and the information she had obtained, Riza left Mustang alone. It would be difficult, but she was confident now that, given time, she could bring him back.

**A/N: again with the disclaimer, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. **


	5. Chapter 5: Forgiven

Once Hawkeye was gone Roy went upstairs to his study. He never used that room and it looked exactly as it had on that night nearly a decade before, right down to the array on the floor. He winced as the memory came back to him. The pistol still lay on the table, right where Hughes had thrown it. The books knocked down by the impact of Mustang's back as Hughes slammed him against the bookcase still lay scattered on the floor.

"Maes…" Roy breathed. He smiled sadly. "You saved my life that night, but I couldn't save you. Just like I couldn't save Edward. That mission. If I hadn't ordered us to stay an extra day I would have been home. If I had been home I could have saved him. If it weren't for my decision to stay I would be sitting downstairs with Edward right now. Damnit!

"Edward. You thought you should die for your sins. What about me? Did you know about the things I did in Ishval? The innocent people I killed? That was before your time. You'll never know what it is to see the fear in a person's eyes as you hold a gun to their head and they know they're going to die. Your sins were not evil. Your intentions were good. You tried to bring back your mother. You sacrificed your limbs to save your brother. I merely killed. If anyone deserves to die for his sins, it's me. Not you. I deserve to die for my sins. I deserve to die because I failed you. I failed you just as I failed Maes. I couldn't even save you."

Roy leaned his forehead on his arm against the bookcase, clinching his free hand into a fist and slamming it as hard as he could against the wooden structure. A flood of hot tears coursed down his pale face as he continued to shout.

"DAMNIT! Maes… I was supposed to be there! I should have been there the night you died, but I didn't go and now you're gone. Why am I such a worthless coward? And Ed. I knew there was something wrong before I left. I knew! He hadn't been eating, he hardly slept, he barely even spoke. My god, it was obvious enough! And yet I still left! And stayed gone longer than I had to!"

Roy fell abruptly silent, the tears stopping as he straightened up. Slowly he glanced around the room until his gaze come to rest on the pistol. When he spoke again his voice was soft, calm, almost cold.

"Forgive me Maes. You kept me from this all those years ago. Forgive me. I'm coming to find Edward."

Riza fumbled with the lock as she tried to balance the bag of groceries. She had decided it would be better to bring some food and cook here. Finally on her third try she managed to open the door. She stepped inside and removed her shoes before greeting Roy.

"Tadaima!" she called loudly, but was met with silence. She wandered through to the kitchen before trying again. "Roy? I'm back."

Still no answer. Apprehensively she began to drift from room to room, but Roy was nowhere to be found. "Roy? Roy!"

Suddenly there was a loud sound that made the lieutenant jump. Instinctively she drew her gun from the holster she wore despite not being in uniform. Her first reaction was to think that someone was shooting at her and she ducked behind a wall, holding her gun in front of her defensively. Then she remembered where she was and dropped her cover. She was in her colonel's house and even if he _was_ ill he wouldn't shoot at her. Slowly the truth of what had just happened dawned on her.

""ROY!" she shouted, dropping her gun and running in the direction of the shot.

She slammed the door to the study open, breaking the lock without even noticing. The sight with which she was greeted made it impossible for her to even scream. Roy knelt in the center of the floor above a forbidden array. Blood dripped from the wound beneath his chin, the pistol still clasped in his slowly uncurling right hand. With a great effort he turned his dying eyes on his lieutenant. He grinned in spite of an obviously shattered jaw. Quietly he whispered in a fading voice, his speech broken only by small, shuddering gasps for breath.

"Thank you – for watching – my back – all these years – Riza."

With that his eyes began to close and he started to collapse. Without thinking Riza dove to catch him just before he hit the floor. As he rested in her arms she heard him whisper her name one more time before his breathing stopped.

"Riza…."

"Roy?" she whispered. "Roy? Roy! ROY!" Her voice had risen to a scream as she clutched the body of her fallen friend to her chest. "NO! ROY!" she cried, burying her face against his uniform coat as sobs wracked her frame. "Roy… no… no, no, no… Roy…."

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye knelt briefly before the grave to place a flower at the base of the headstone and trace the name with two delicate fingers. Aliece Longwood. A fellow officer killed in battle. Riza's childhood best friend. Rising to her feet Riza clasped her hands over the black funeral sash that adorned her uniform and began to speak in a broken, tearful voice.

"Hello, Aliece. It's Riza. I just needed to talk and you were the only one I could turn to. I had to bury someone this morning for whom I cared deeply. His name was Colonel Roy Mustang. He was my commander, my comrade, my defender, my friend… And the only man I ever loved…."

**A/N: and one last time, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. **

**A/N: This was my first completed fanfic, so please let me know what you thought. Thanks for reading! **


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